Humour

<body topmargin=0 leftmargin=0 marginheight=0 marginwidth=0> <table cellpadding=0 cellspacing=0 border=0><tr> <td valign="top" height=125 BGCOLOR="#003300" TEXT="#F7F7FF"> <bR> <bR> <div> We are a Christian Network based in Gisborne, New Zealand        <FONT SIZE="2" COLOR="#CCFF00" FACE="Arial" > </FONT></div> <div> Welcome to the King's Christian Network</div> </td> </tr><tr> <td valign="top" height=355 BGCOLOR="#FFFFFF" TEXT="#080000"> <div> <TABLE BORDER="0" CELLPADDING="8" CELLSPACING="1" WIDTH="741" BORDERCOLORLIGHT="#C0C0C0" BORDERCOLORDARK="#808080" FRAME="BOX" RULES="ALL" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" > <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#003300 HEIGHT= 29 WIDTH="184"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="29" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="184" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0"></tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#003300 WIDTH="522"><div> <B>Humour</B></div> </tD> </tR> <tR> <tD VALIGN=TOP BGCOLOR=#EEEEEE HEIGHT= 4115 WIDTH="184"><bR> <div> <A HREF="index.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Kings Christian Network...KCN"><U>HOME</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id17.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church list Gisborne / Wairoa"><U>Church list Gisborne / Wairoa</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id18.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Church Organisations"><U>Church Organisations</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id19.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Contact Us"><U>Contact Us</U></A></div> <div> Humour</div> <div> <A HREF="id25.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE=" Gisborne NZ Christian Links"><U> Gisborne & NZ Christian Links</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id121.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="International Christian Links"><U>International Christian Links</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id80.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Revival Pages"><U>Revival Pages</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id73.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Intercessors Page"><U>Intercessors Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id140.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Statement of Faith"><U>Statement of Faith</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="kings_christian_network__kcn__gisborne_nz__new_zealand.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="About Us / History"><U>About Us / History</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="kings_christian_network__kcn__gisborne_nz__new_zealand97.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="KCN Photo Page"><U>KCN Photo Page</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="margie_vincent.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Gisborne Missionaries, Margie Vincent, N"><U>Gisborne Missionaries</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id73.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Intercessors Page"><U>Intercessors Corner</U></A></div> <div> * <A HREF="houseofprayer.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="House of Prayer,Meetings,Gisborne,New Ze"><U>Prayer meetings</U></A></div> <div> * <A HREF="lion_lamb.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Lion Lamb Ministries,Lion,Lamb,Ministri"><U>Lion & Lamb Ministries</U></A></div> <div> * <A HREF="id122.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Jesus Tract"><U>Jesus Christ - TRACT -  Down load</U></A><A HREF="johncranwell.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="John,Cranwell,Evangelist,Author,Book,Lau"><U> </U></A>  </div> <div> * <A HREF="daily_bible_verse.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="Daily Bible Verse"><U>NEW Daily Bible Verse</U></A></div> <div> * <A HREF="johncranwell.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="John,Cranwell,Evangelist,Author,Book,Lau"><U>John Cranwell Mission Trip</U></A></div> <div> <A HREF="id135.htm" TARGET="_top" TITLE="KCN Sponsors"><U><I>KCN - Website Sponsors</I></U></A><FONT SIZE="1" COLOR="#006699" FACE="Arial Narrow" ><I> </I></FONT></div> <div> <I>* </I><A HREF="http://www.thekiwiparty.org.nz" TARGET="_top" TITLE="http://www.thekiwiparty.org.nz"><U><I>The Kiwi Party (NZ Christian Political Party)</I></U></A></div> </tD> <tD VALIGN=TOP WIDTH="522"><div> <B>Subject:</B> Fw: From the Good Book </div> <div> .................................................................................................................</div> <bR> <div> Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her</div> <div> mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"</div> <bR> <div> "Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."</div> <bR> <div> The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the</div> <div> groom wearing black?"</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> A little girl dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she</div> <div> could, trying not to be late for Bible class. As she ran she prayed,</div> <div> "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!" As she was running and praying, she tripped on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again.. As she ran she once again began to  pray, "Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please don't shove me either!"</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on. Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?" </div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <div> Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers.</div> <bR> <div> The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50." </div> <bR> <div> The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."</div> <bR> <div> The third boy says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon. And it takes eight people to collect all the money!" </div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage. He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married, and she didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <div> An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, "They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead. </div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for backup,"</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <div> A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"</div> <bR> <div> Annie replied, "Because people are sleeping." </div> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.</div> <bR> <div> A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter." </div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <bR> <div> A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"</div> <bR> <div> Without missing a beat one little boy answered, "Thou shall not kill."</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <div> At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, </div> <div> including human beings. Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, Johnny what is the matter? Little Johnny responded, "I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife,"</div> <bR> <div> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</div> <div> Two boys were walking home from Sunday school after hearing a strong preaching on the devil. One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"</div> <bR> <div> The other boy replied, "Well you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad." </div> <div> **********************************************************************</div> <bR> <div> <B>Subject:</B> FW: Never argue with a Child </div> <bR> <div> A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales.</div> <div> The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal its throat was very small.</div> <div> The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.</div> <div> Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.</div> <div> The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".</div> <div> The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?" The little girl replied,</div> <div> "Then you ask him".</div> <div> ______________________________________________________ </div> <bR> <div> A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while they drew. She would occasionally walk around to see each child's work. As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked what the drawing was? The girl replied, "I'm drawing God."</div> <div> The teacher paused and said, "But no one knows what God looks like."</div> <div> Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl replied,</div> <div> "They will in a minute." </div> <bR> <div> _____________________________________________________</div> <bR> <div> One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.</div> <div> She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"</div> <div> Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."</div> <div> The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said,</div> <div> "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"</div> <div> ___________________________________________________</div> <bR> <div> The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grownup and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael. He's a doctor.'" A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher. She's dead."</div> <div> ___________________________________________________</div> <bR> <div> A teacher was giving a lesson on the circulation of the blood. Trying to make the matter clearer, she said, "Now, class, if I stood on my head, the blood, as you know, would run into it, and I would turn red in the face."</div> <div> "Yes," the class said. "Then why is it that while I am standing upright in the ordinary position the blood doesn't run into my feet?" A little fellow shouted, "Cause your feet ain't empty."</div> <div> _____________________________________________________</div> <bR> <div> The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. </div> <div> At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.</div> <bR> <div> The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE. God is watching.</div> <bR> <div> " Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.</div> <bR> <div> A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."</div> <bR> <div> ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------</div> <bR> <bR> <div>  <A NAME="jesus_and_satan_were_having_an_argument_1"><IMG BORDER="0" SRC="1x1.gif" HEIGHT="1" ALIGN="bottom" WIDTH="1" HSPACE="0" VSPACE="0" ></A><B>Jesus and Satan were having an argument</B> about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all the bickering. </div> <bR> <div> Finally, God said, "Cool it! I'm going to set up a test that will take two hours and I'll judge who does the better job." </div> <bR> <div> So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and worked away. </div> <div> They moused. </div> <div> They did spreadsheets. </div> <div> They wrote reports. </div> <div> They sent faxes. </div> <div> They sent e-mail. </div> <div> They sent out e-mail with attachments. </div> <div> They downloaded. </div> <div> They did some genealogy reports. </div> <div> They made cards. </div> <div> They did every known job. </div> <bR> <div> But, ten minutes before the time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured, and, of course, the electricity went off. </div> <bR> <div> Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curseword known in the underworld. </div> <bR> <div> Jesus just sighed. </div> <bR> <div> The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. </div> <bR> <div> Satan started searching, frantically screaming, "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" </div> <bR> <div> Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all His files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became even more irritated. "Wait! He cheated! How did He do it??!!" </div> <bR> <div> <B>....</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>..........</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>..............</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>.....................</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>.............</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>........</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>....</B></div> <bR> <div> <B>God shrugged and said, </B><FONT SIZE="3" COLOR="#FF0000" FACE="Arial" ><B>"Jesus saves." </B></FONT></div> <bR> <bR> <bR> <bR> </tD> </tR> </TABLE></div> <bR> <bR> </td> </tr></table></body>